The holiday season can be a time of good cheer spent with family and friends—but for wily bunco artists and treacherous flimflam men, it’s just one more chance to get their deceitful hands on your sweet do-re-mi! If you’re not careful, my friends, you could find your holiday ruined by a smooth-talking swindler who hops the first boxcar out of town with a bindle full of your hard-earned simoleans. Fortunately, Andy from Conan has put together an educational video to give you the vital information you need to outsmart confidence men, charlatans, and cardsharps. You’ll learn the secrets behind “the Santa shuffle,” “the Charity Cheat,” and of course, “the Secret Santa Stinker,” and gain the confidence you need to tell quacks and shysters, “Steer clear, mister! I know the score!”

Now my friends, you’re all men of the world, so you know and I know that it’s easy to talk about educating the public about the dangers of goldbrickers and hornswagglers, and quite another matter to actually share years of hard-earned knowledge gained by matching wits with every bamboozler and hoodwink artist to come down the pike. But I’m here to tell you today, that’s just what Andy’s prepared to do. He’ll give concrete examples of deceptions and befuddlements and show you countermoves that will let you dupe the dupers and defraud the defrauders. And what, you may ask, does this knowledge cost? Why, my friends, it’s absolutely free. Out of the goodness of his heart, Andy is going to tell you everything he knows about scams, flimflams, blimblams, and jimjams, so you and your family are safe and sound this holiday season. Just click play on that video embedded above, and … what’s that, sir? There’s an ad before the video starts playing? And banner ads on this very webpage, you say? Well, I don’t think … Now excuse me, is that … is that the local constabulary you’ve brought with you? Well, there’s no need for … I mean, surely you didn’t think that … But there’s no law against …

Well, my friends, looking at my watch, it seems our time together has sadly come to an end! But as my train carries me rapidly beyond your city limits, let me just encourage you, when election time next rolls around, to consider voting for a police department inclined toward more lenient treatment of Good Samaritans like Andy and myself. In the all-too-short time we’ve shared, I’ve really come to know and love this little town, and I would hate to see you good people left unarmed in the war against cheaters, chislers, and crooks. Farewell, my friends, and best of luck!